Going back and moving forward

Hi There.

I started writing this post right after my previous one late spring. My goal was to publish no more than a month later. Clearly, that didn’t happen.

 A recap…

A good portion of my summer was emotionally brutal and quite stressful as I dealt with a difficult situation that caught me quite off guard. Though it was mostly resolved, life is still hard right now; there’s always a sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Mornings can be emotionally and existentially brutal.

Though I’m ok overall, I’m still not feeling fully myself (and wondering if I ever will again, if I’m totally honest) but the most important thing is that I wake up every day and do my thing. I’m choosing to focus on the day-to-day steps I need to take to achieve certain goals rather than hyper fixating on the outcomes themselves. This paradigm shift has contributed significantly to overall sanity and clarity.

I’ve been in a period of significant deconstructing, processing, and, most importantly, letting go of lot of my past, including many of the realizations that have hit me hard over the last few months, primarily that I made so many choices based on things that simply weren’t true. My letting go journey began last fall. That fresh start hasn’t been smooth at all, and for a while I was thinking I had failed completely. But I’m coming to understand that it is happening, it’s just taking time.

I continue to adjust to many new normals that I never signed up for. As if humans ever knowingly sign up for stuff that causes pain, right? The hurt of new normals and their respective “whys” intensified to a boiling point where I felt backed up into a corner of either letting go of all of it or never enjoying sanity, peace of mind, or joy ever again.

I didn’t want the bad stuff to take root more than it already had. It hit me how utterly jarring and disruptive this awakening has been, and I needed to just ride out the hurt and let it be, sort of like taking the foot off the accelerator and allowing the car stop when and where it will. This approach has proven helpful in allowing me let go organically, rather than “making” myself do anything.

There is no more trying to understand or reconcile much of anything. There will be neither. Neither will there be any answers to the big questions. I have to accept that there are things that cause me pain that will never be fully resolved, or resolved the way I had hoped, and I just have to accept it.

I have to be intentional about reminding myself, out loud if necessary and as often as necessary, that I am committed to redirecting my pain and all the bad stuff into worthy endeavors like getting healthy, and to stay the course no matter how challenging it gets or how many curve balls life throws my way (though hand grenades and Molotov cocktails seem like more apt examples).

As I come to terms and take personal inventory, I realize that I am not so much re-building as much as I am building from scratch. Part of that includes learning to relate to certain memories and experiences from the past and to life in the present - even some of the good things - in a new way rather than at face value or idealized constructs. And learning to relate to myself and the world around me in a whole new way too.

It became sickeningly clear how much of my identity and worth had been deeply enmeshed in people and artificial constructs. I allowed other people’s mistreatment and unprincipled lives to inform my own, which manifested itself in unsavory ways; I learned to be ok with things, including about myself, that were not ok, things that over time bred shame and low self-worth.

I feel like I worshipped a false god all these years, albeit unintentionally; in essence, the “god” of people and everything “people” implies: fear, cultural expectations, imposed shoulds, ideologies, and so many other artificial constructs that are conflated with but far removed from transformative truth and fundamental reality.

Worship isn’t just what happens in a special building once a week. Worship is how we conduct our day to day lives; it’s who and what we allow to influence, shape, and mold us. And when we allow anything but timeless truth and principle to influence, shape, and mold us, we are indeed worshipping false gods. We are giving them undue power and priority in our lives. This has been the bitterest pill to swallow. And even though I'm struggling in my faith right now what I do know is this that there is only one God and one truth and that if I'm ever going to wholeheartedly worship it's going to be HIM, and not people, culture, or ideologies.

So today I’m not so much carving out a new identity or purpose as much as seeking to become who I was always meant to be to begin with; an identity and lifestyle that is rooted in truth, clarity, and authenticity rather than one tied to earthly relationships or man-made imposed “shoulds.” Imposed shoulds get a not so polite middle finger from me. And one small part of that building from scratch, that I can share publicly at least, includes going back to school to finish my degree. Eeeek!

GOING BACK

“Why” I never finished my degree back in the day is a story for another time. The bottom line is I didn’t, but I’m doing it now. When I first started inquiring about school back in early summer, I was in something of a zombie-like state physically and emotionally from the harshness of the daily grind that is my post Ground Zero life.

I wasn’t inquiring with a great deal of enthusiasm or excitement to be quite honest; I was simply taking a business-like approach to being proactive about my life, finding ways to stay sane, busy, and to do something positive and meaningful for myself. Dots connected in a way where I decided that school would be a good choice.

Because I had struggled with school so much in the past, there was considerable trepidation, and I kept wondering what the heck I was thinking in even attempting again. I kept going through the motions of financial aid and academic advising thinking that at any second, I would back out or that something beyond my control would come up that would keep me from attending. Those things never happened.

I just finished two upper division classes with an A in both and am now registered for two more classes for fall. In summer session I took an advanced writing class and a religion class. Also turns out that I only have about 10 classes left to graduate, less than I imagined, which means that theoretically I may be able to graduate in June of 2024. Big maybe. Even the slimmest maybe blows my mind.

Mentally, school has helped me find structure I didn’t know I needed, both in my personal life and as a writer; structure that I had written off as unnecessary when I finally gave up on school the last time. School also awoke in me a desire to actually learn more, both in and out of a classroom. The writing class has inspired me to explore new styles of writing, new personal projects, and new income earning possibilities that I had never considered before.

Here’s the best part…

…and the crux of this entire post. About three weeks into the summer session, it hit me that having taken this important step of going back to school activated something deep within me that I can’t fully articulate other than calling it an awakening or empowerment.

Blinders started coming off. I gained clarity and resolve about my life in a way that led to what I refer to as laying Isaac at the altar – fully letting go of the last handful of my most cherished dreams from the past once and for all. I’m deeply grieving intangible losses right now, and I often wonder if I will ever feel anything but hurt and loss ever again. But I know I’m doing the right thing. Here are a few nuggets of sanity and clarity that emerged from that “final surrender,” as one mentor called it:

• Choose to actually think – critically and proactively. Choose to be self-aware. Be willing to do the painful internal work required to grow as a person and improve your situation.

• Be willing to identify and sacrifice your sacred cows. Spoiler: they are not sacred, and they will inevitably turn on you.

• Learn to be your own best friend, advocate, life coach, accountability partner, coffee date, and cheerleader. No one — absolutely no one — will ever show up for you the way you show up for yourself.

• Show up for yourself every day in the mindset and stance of the person you want to become, not in the mindset of your current circumstances or pain.

• Choose to make difficult decisions proactively rather having life make them for you. As painful as it may be to lay Isaac on the altar, you’ll be glad you did it willingly now, rather than having him pried from your desperately clinging hands later.

• Don’t ever give up on making physical health and fitness a priority, no matter how hard it gets. Stay hydrated, eat well, get sunlight and fresh air, and stay physically active.

• Don’t allow emotions to hold you hostage or push you around. Take control of them or they will control you against your best interest every single time.

• Self-discipline is the best form of self-care, self-love, and self-respect.

• Refuse to accept defeat and despair as a way of life. Do not roll over by sanctifying them as “God’s will.” They are not.

Above all…

Proactively and enthusiastically choose to live within the bounds of truth and reality at all times. Not wishful thinking, not idealized constructs, not emotional sentimentalism, or manmade ideologies. I cannot stress this enough. Stop idealizing and romanticizing. Stop making excuses for other people and stop making excuses for yourself.

Start proactively engaging in life from a perspective of truth, principle, and reality, followed by necessary action when and where needed. Living by truth and reality can be painful, especially at first after having lived with blinders on for so long, but ultimately truth breeds sanity, healing, clarity, and progress – sweet, sweet progress. Idealizing and wishful thinking feel good for a time but ultimately lead to stagnation and despair. Reject it.

Choosing to think critically and live proactively also fundamentally shifts internal power dynamics. It shifts power away from people and circumstances and shifts it to you. In and of itself this may not change outcomes, or at least not immediately, but it breeds strength, dignity, and self-respect which in turn leads to empowered decision making, as opposed to reactionary, which over time can lead to better outcomes. Living proactively does not make anyone immune to hurt and suffering. No one is immune. But living proactively is on par with eating healthy and exercising; it minimizes risk of negative outcomes and it fosters self-respect.

Moving FOrward

I want to believe things are looking up. I long to operate fully from a place of healing and empowerment. I’m cautiously hopeful of a generally upward trend, starting with the slim possibility that I may graduate in 2024 or, minimally, that by this December I will have completed FOUR upper division courses towards my degree. Ureal. Suffice to say I’m not giving up on my health and fitness goals, on other personal goals, on feeling fully like myself again, or on being fully engaged and present in life.

And here’s what ongoing healing and improved sanity and clarity have been looking like:

REALIZING: I need to get outdoors regularly like I used to. Over the last year my outdoor walking time has taken a big hit due to what I can only describe as severe unprecedented levels of chronic stress, despite my heartfelt desire and will to do so. More on this in a future post.

THANKFUL: I’m so glad I made the decision to step away from freelance writing. I’ve received ample confirmation this was the right thing to do. I’m thankful I wasn’t so stuck in my ways that I wasn’t able to let go of something that wasn’t good for me anymore. My goal is that by the end of the year I will have phased it out completely, other than schoolwork or projects I wholeheartedly choose to engage in but not as a matter of “needing” to do it for money.

REALITY CHECK: The kitchen will never be clean. Whether you’re making yourself boiled eggs and a piece of fruit or a full gourmet meal, eating at home produces big messes. I’m learning to accept the fact that time spent cooking and cleaning up is part of the process, not apart from or extra from it.

EMERGING: I’m starting to see several themes emerging from writing about my journey. One of the assignments in my writing class included naming chapters of a book or film about our life story. That was actually quite enlightening, I had a lot of fun with it. These are the titles that had already been organically emerging for me, some of which I’ve already started writing about here: The Awkward Years, Good Times, Fresh Start, Ground Zero, Final Surrender.

NEED: I need to put myself on a schedule for everything I need to get done for school, health, rest, sanity, and home and stick to it otherwise, I won’t get any of it done. I have two beautiful dresses hanging in my tiny closet that I will never get into unless I buckle down. I can feel and taste how much I want this, and how attainable it is, it’s just a matter of boot camping myself mentally and physically to get there. I need to stop giving myself get of jail free cards and hunker down.

So that’s a wrap for now. This was much longer than I would have liked but it is what it is, and I guess that’s the best part about owning your voice on your own platform: you can do whatever you want and no one can tell you no.

Ain’t life grand.