Fresh start 5.0(ish): A story about redirection & course correction

It's been a long time since I've been here. Life happened. Lots and lots of life happened. It really beat me up. But the fog is somewhat starting to lift. Another attempt at a fresh start. There have been several throughout the years.

This fresh start will stick though. I know it intuitively because the last round of life "happening" finally broke me. I broke me definitively in fundamental and unprecedented ways. The rose colored glasses came off. I didn't even know I was wearing them. Until I did.

My mom’s dementia, and all the unwanted change and emotional adjustments that came with it, was a huge catalyst. The emotional impact of dealing with everything was unprecedented and so jarring, it just blew me wide open, and stirred the pot of my own deep seated personal issues in other areas of my life.

If it wasn’t mom’s dementia it might have been something else, but all the same, it had to happen in order for me to grow in necessary ways, such learning to seek and embrace truth as a way of life, even when it hurts. And when you let go of so many preconceived ideas, and confirmation biases, you see things for what they really are.

And when you see things for what they are, you run out of excuses. You can’t hide anymore. No more safety nets. No more pipe dreams. No more covering up the sun with your finger. Truth pulls the rug out from under you. It forces you to face your demons and kill your sacred cows. And that’s a good thing, painful as it may be.

Good and necessary as it was, I am still grieving many intangible losses. But rather than boo hooing about the crushing disappointment of it all, I decided to redirect very real pain into a more practical, feet on the ground approach. I have important decisions to make that will set me up for the next season of life, a season without rose colored glasses.

Ultimately it is practical action and discipline that not only produces tangible outcomes, but it also fosters healing, as opposed to ruminating indefinitely or being a slave to emotion. There is also great sense of worth, empowerment, self-respect, and dignity that comes from knowing you intentionally chose to be proactive and do hard things, rather than staying on the easy path.

I call this approach simply, course correction. It requires:

• Redirect, redirect, redirect

• Focus on nutrient dense foods

• Prioritize sleep

• Prioritize strength training

• Guard heart

• Prioritize prayer and Bible study

• Investment over spending

• Embrace the hustle

These words and concepts came to me in the middle of a random day and time, and I had to stop what I was doing and write them down. This post about what self-care really looks like may have triggered it. The words and concepts were clear, succinct, made sense and clicked in my head as my path forward from my personal ground zero.

Redirect, redirect, redirect - This word plays on loop in my head and it's the starting point for all the other concepts. Redirecting pain and disappointment into something positive is tantamount to adjusting Titanic's tiny rudder to keep it from hitting the iceberg but it became abundantly clear that I needed to redirect all the bad stuff into the one thing that's ultimately going to serve me the best in every area of my life, which is getting fit and healthy once and for all.

I was so done with all the emotional, physical, relational, and psychological garbage that comes with being unfit and unhealthy. It had affected every area of my life. It clicked that unless I cleansed and rebuilt my own temple into something healthy, fit, and strong, inside and out, no other pursuit could be carried out to its full potential.

I had also crashed and burned out on of giving so much of myself mentally, emotionally, and of my time to dead end personal pursuits, pointless time-wasting activities, and half-baked endeavors that took but gave nothing meaningful back.

So the biggest redirect in an overarching course correction is just that: channeling energy, time, and negative emotions into these worthy endeavors instead, and not just as a one time process to meet a goal, but as a whole new way of doing life:

Focus on whole nutrient dense foods, focus on strength training, and prioritizing sleep - I go into more detail about what that means in this post, but it’s pretty much as straightforward as it sounds. I want to redirect my time and energy into doing the one thing that’s going to help me in every area of my life, which is getting physically healthy the right way through proper nutrition, movement, and rest.

Guard heart – “For above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Guarding our hearts encompasses several things, including the content we consume, our social media feeds, the influences we allow to dictate our choices, the relationships we choose to be a part of, and an overall day to day intentional navigation and filtering of info, interpersonal communication, and who and what we allow to live in our hearts and heads. I wrote something along these lines a few years ago. Part of guarding our heart also includes becoming aware of triggers that lead to toxic or chronic stress, cause you to spiral, or significantly disrupt an otherwise positive and consistent mental and emotional flow. I've been good at guarding my heart in many ways, but it became abundantly clear that I need to step it up and become much more aware and intentional about what I'm consuming or allowing to live in my head rent free, or at all.

Prioritize prayer and Bible – Prayer and Bible study is something of the spiritual equivalent of nutrient dense food for the body, though in an overarching way much more important and necessary. “I have esteemed the words of his mouth more than my necessary food,” Job 23:12. Prayer and getting into the word of God will never disappoint. It lays the spiritual foundation that provides for every other endeavor. It replaces manmade ideologies and temporary fixes with real truth and lasting solutions for all of our needs and desires. So much of our pain and disappointment stems from seeking solutions and meaning in anything and everything outside of God himself, when in fact, He is the source of all true wisdom.

Investment over spending – I am embracing a spirit of investment over spending, in every area of my life. If any given pursuit or activity does not give back something of long-term value, does it really belong in my life? Is it worth my time? I cringe when I think of how much of myself and my time I’ve spent on pursuits and activities that not only didn’t give back anything of value, but took a lot out of and from me. Same for financial decisions that were a notch above flushing money down the toilet. Life is too short to not live with intention and purpose, and that includes ensuring that our time, energy and resources are invested in things that breed long term health, stability, and wholeness rather than depleting us or keeping us stuck.

Embrace the hustle – Embracing the hustle of the day-to-day struggle rather than fighting so much against it as I’d done for so long has helped breed sanity and clear-headedness. These days, sanity and clear-headedness are my greatest rewards, above merely “feeling” happy and bubbly. Any day that I can start and end with a clear head, in spite of the day’s many frustrations, laundry, never-ending dirty dishes, errands, and even tears, was a successful day. Sometimes you just have to do what you have in front of you and that’s that (though we never stop praying and working towards something better).

As I write this for the first time sometime in the fall of 2022, I am so utterly jaded and done with all the garbage of the past, my own and everyone else's, to be quite honest. But having a fresh new mindset and goals is keeping me sane, clear-headed, and gives me something to look forward to.

I have so much uncertainty about my future right now. What I am certain of however, is that being proactive and intentional about doing life in a new way will not disappoint. Getting enough sleep, eating fresh, whole nutrient dense foods, and getting physically fit and healthy will not disappoint. Guarding my heart will not disappoint. Prayer and time in God's word will most definitely not disappoint. Investing in pursuits and activities that will give something valuable back will not disappoint. Embracing the hustle and things I cannot immediately change instead of fighting against it will help keep me sane. And everything else can go eat dirt and kick rocks.

Here's to not hitting the iceberg.

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Related posts: Because I’m totally worth it / Rebuilding the temple / Wilt thou be made whole?