Watering dead plants & dumpster diving for diamonds
Watering a dead plant
Trying to kindle a campfire with ashes
Checking for a pulse on a skeleton
Knocking on a door of a boarded up house hoping someone will open
Re-reading the same book or watching the same movie hoping for a different ending
Dialing a disconnected number for the 20th time because…. you never know!
Trying to drink from a mirage
Trying to redeem an expired coupon from a store that went out of business in 1998
Dumpster diving for diamonds
What do all these have in common?
They are all forms of death and decay — delusional, unhinged expectations, at best. They are forms of expecting substance from nothing. But of all these metaphors, dumpster diving for diamonds is where it lands the hardest because, if we’re honest with ourselves, that’s what we’re doing when we keep trying to belong in spaces and relationships that have made it clear they don’t want us back. We give our way our dignity and self-respect (the dumpster) in the off chance that it will be rewarded by reciprocity — by love (diamonds).
This isn't just about the ex you can't get over. It’s also about the person who committed serious wrongs who refuses accountability yet you keep trying to explain yourself hoping they’ll see the error of their ways (spoiler: they won’t). The relationship where nothing you do is ever good enough but you keep “trying.” The “friend” that regularly blows you off or treats you like a consolation prize but you keep giving them the benefit of the doubt. The friendship that means much more to you than it does to them so you keep reaching out because it couldn’t possibly be that they just don’t care, right? Or the ministry, the institution, the job, the project, the friend group, the noble cause you poured your heart, your time, your effort, and even your resources only realize none of it was genuinely valued — and maybe it was even scorned and ridiculed. It's about any person or space you’re clinging to that isn’t clinging back.
Why did we keep trying?
At the most basic level, the human heart wants what it wants, so we hold on. And when we get treated a certain way for so long we start to internalize it and think that’s all we are worthy of or that it’s perfectly normal. And eventually we also start believing that if we want something badly enough and work for it, it will eventually be ours. Isn’t that what we’re told? If we want something — anything — we just have to work really hard for it and it’ll happen.
If we just prayed harder. Waited longer. Worked harder. Explained ourselves one more time. Loved better. Manifested a little more, most assuredly the sun would eventually rise in the West. We convinced ourselves that one day the people and spaces we loved would finally love us back. That our loyalty, integrity, work ethic, friendship, passion, and heart would be fully reciprocated.
But after a certain amount of Nos —in their unruly assortment of increasingly inglorious iterations — we must realize that by clinging to people and spaces that that aren’t clinging back, we are in fact clinging to death and decay. We are watering dead plants, trying to drink from a mirage but, mostly, rooting through very real garbage, like ravenous little raccoons* in dumpsters hoping to find a gourmet meal.
No—
No, you’re not a priority.
No, I don’t want you.
No, I don’t love you.
No, I don’t miss you.
No, I don’t care how hard you worked.
No, I don’t care what you have to offer.
These words may or may not be explicitly verbalized but patterns of behavior say them loudly and often. Getting left on read most of the time. No follow through. "Not right now” or “let me get back to you.” Excuses for this. Excuses for that. Silence. Selective exclusion. Using you when it’s convenient. Polite clichés. Sometimes even blatant lies and mistreatment. They all funnel into the same bucket:
No, I/we don’t love you back
Yet, there we are — weeks, months, or even years later — like nature’s zero-shame dumpster diving champions eagerly sifting through yesterday’s garbage for the diamonds of validation, vindication, resolution, second chances. We’re searching for the diamonds of overdue apologies, restored dignity, acceptance, and approval. We’re looking for the treasure of finally being seen, heard, understood, respected, wanted, and loved because we went all out for so long and we knew one day it would happen. So we get excited when we find a ketchup-smeared Burger King wrapper that looks like reciprocity, or a stiff, half-eaten Taco Bell burrito that looks like vindication, all washed down with a flat Diet Coke that tastes somewhat like a second chance.
Except...
It isn't reciprocity. It isn't vindication or a second chance. It's a greasy burger wrapper, a rancid burrito, and diluted warm soda. Trash. And there isn't enough hope, effort, prayer, wishing, waiting, manifesting, explaining, or perseverance that's going to turn garbage into diamonds any more than it won’t pull the Titanic from the bottom of the Atlantic, or bring a skeleton back to life.
It's worth noting however, that this isn't about villains. Yes, sometimes certain people and spaces are in fact shady and toxic. But other times even good decent people and spaces simply don't value us the way we value them. That's their prerogative, just as it's ours to say "no" to certain things. But this isn’t about labeling people bad because they say no to us. The real harm is that we refuse to accept their no.
One thing I’ve learned from being on both ends of what I’m saying is that no one is entitled to relationship or reciprocity in the most genuine sense of the word. I’m not entitled to anything from anyone just as no one is entitled to anything from me just because they say so. Relationships — personal, family, professional, social — in order to be real and authentic must be freely mutual and reciprocal. So then…
When do we stop living based on wishful thinking and start Living based on truth?
And the truth here is that “If he wanted to, he would” applies to pretty much everything in life — friendship, work, community life — not just dating. If your phone’s not ringing — or ringing only when they want something from you — if your notifications are silent, if your DMs or inbox are full of everyone but them, or if you regularly walk away from certain interactions feeling less than, used, taken for granted or disrespected that’s your answer — No. Are you ready to redirect your time and bandwidth to better things? Want reciprocity? Long for restored dignity? Want vindication and validation?
✨Invest in yourself✨
Take the time and bandwidth you've spent trying to convince someone else of your worth and invest it somewhere that can actually bear fruit: yourself and your future. Learn something new. Build something. Save and invest money. Write the book. Finish the degree. Start the business. Travel. Take care of your body.
For all the glowing, seemingly heartfelt words of friendship spoken to me over the years; for all the accolades and praise for my writing, in 2026, no one misses me. No one is hiring me. No one is blowing up my phone. No one is prioritizing me. No one is apologizing or attempting to right any number of serious wrongs. No one is going out of their way to prove themselves to me. As gutting as the truth was initially, proactively choosing to accept it was the first step towards finding emotional freedom and restoring self-respect. And over time, something far more valuable than what I thought I was losing began to emerge.
I restarted this blog. I finished my (long overdue) bachelor's degree. In fact, going back to school saved me from my own inevitable descent into the dumpster. You can read about that here. I also started a YouTube channel. This space, my education, my channel are real treasures. These are spaces where I can pour my heart into something and receive something meaningful in return, even if it’s “just” the delicious, unadulterated childlike satisfaction of being creative.
These are spaces where I call the shots. These are spaces where I feel my absolute best and most authentic self. These are the spaces where I dream so big it’s frightening. These are spaces where I'm building something that matters to me—something that might even pay off in a tangible way. These are spaces that equally validate, encourage, and affirm me as much as they do challenge me to grow. These are spaces that may even help one person in some small way. These are spaces where passion, authenticity, and heart are cultivated and nurtured instead of casually tossed to the fickle winds of approval seeking. And when I stopped initiating interactions in one-sided relationships, it confirmed what I'd long suspected — radio silence.
So many things have gone wrong over the last few years. Many things are still wrong. I often have tearful angry exchanges with God about why He seems to be standing by idly watching me struggle so much and for so very long. But here’s what is right:
I am thankful that I climbed out of the dumpster once and for all.
For all the hardships and uncertainty I’m still enduring, the dignity, sense of empowerment, and freedom that have come from proactively removing myself from spaces and places where I was not wanted is unmatched. No other involvement can offer you a fraction of the love and respect you give yourself through proactively climbing out of the dumpster. And in spaces that have proven themselves dysfunctional and unsafe, all the more reason to walk away before serious harm is done.
So stop competing with raccoons for the “best” garbage, darling. I promise — whatever the raccoons dig up is certifiably better than the rancid scraps of Temu acceptance you try to convince yourself are the diamonds of genuine reciprocity. And when you’re tempted to keep groveling — even just in your own heart — ask yourself this:
While you’re looking for diamonds in a dumpster, who’s looking for you?
Who’s going out of their way to prove themselves to you? Who’s losing sleep waiting for a text from you? Who’s strategizing ways to get your attention? Who’s working on the 10th draft of their apology email? Who’s actively and consistently investing their time, bandwidth and resources in you because they believe in you the same way you believe in them? Who’s actively advocating for your best interest?
Exactly.
Don’t wait to feel the nauseating, dehumanizing sting of rejection from the same source for the -nth time. Climb out of the dumpster once and for all, take a shower, and move on. (You’re allowed to cry in the shower, by the way.) Your longing for the diamonds of real love, friendship, meaning, belonging, respect, and reciprocity in life is valid. But you’re never going to find them sifting through the dumpster of yesterday’s rejection.
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*No raccoons were harmed in the writing of this essay.
